The whole family attended Passion again a few weeks later. The church had a guest speaker who was a previous kicker for Atlanta Falcons, J. Todd Peterson, graduate of UGA, GO DAWGS! Todd brought a very interesting perspective to my life. I left church that day in deep thought, trying to analyze what this challenge looks like for my life. Todd just told the church what that looked like for him and his family but the challenge I was faced with was what does that mean for my walk with God. I was very confused inside because there are decisions hubby and I are having to make in next several months with what seems to be great opportunities that have come with this position God has granted us. I began seeking deep in my soul for my true motives and what is in my heart. Praying to God to show me clearly, give me your eyes Oh Lord.
This battle inside my
heart has been on going for about 4-5 years. I have sought council from
my godly mother, godly friends, and most importantly God. A friend during that time gave me advise that
was awesome. She said you have to
check your heart in every situation, what are your real motives for
doing something? This was 4-5 years ago and I was beginning to carry
guilt for buying something nice or having success in my business. Why
am I feeling like I shouldn't have?!?! I was in turmoil inside! Began
wondering is God calling me to a life of suffering, was He about to ask
me to sell everything?! Talking to my mom revealed the same results,
check your heart Coleen.
Through the years, it has
continued to be a reoccurring thought. I have tried to make the feeling
go away through things like sacrificial giving or giving my talents for
His glory. Honestly not really understanding what was going on inside
of me. What do you want Lord!?!?!? Getting to a point where I just want
to say, "Leave me alone! I'm so confused Lord!"
I think back to the time this all began, it was when I wanted to sell the
BMW. I didn't want the image that came with driving that SUV. Just
couldn't do it anymore, so we sold it. It has been a number of things big and small that has been called out in my life. Another example was when we remodeled our kitchen last summer. The kitchen was well over due, all original to the 1980's style, duck blue! Eek! We kept it simple with me repainting existing cabinets, new hardware, adding a few new cabinets my handy hubby installed in other area of kitchen from Ikea. We agreed on granite counter tops, knowing they yield a good return on investment. It all turned out perfect! All within our budget, and the best part was no more 80's blue counter tops! After it was all done, I looked around and loved it! It was perfect, till the next day. I was covered in guilt, did we make the right decision, was this being a good steward with what God has provided? Confusion was setting in deep once again. I was desiring to be a humble, good steward for God. What does being humble actually mean? What does being a good steward actually mean? This is when I begin to get in trouble and take my eyes off God and begin to look around me at what others are doing. The caution light is blinking so brightly but I don't even see it, signs telling me warning, turn around, you are heading down the wrong direction now. Amazing how we don't see that till it is too late.
I saw what that meant for other families and was thinking that must be what God wants me to do. Some families where giving up cable TV, some giving up trips to salon, some handbags, some gave up a house they built from the ground up. I started giving up my hair color, nails, etc. Everything I could think of to bring some peace to this stirring inside. Honestly nothing was bringing that peace I was longing for. I was still looking at others thinking they have, but don't seem to be bothered, what is wrong with me! I was seeing it everywhere! I remember watching a Beth Moore video, thinking look at Beth's blonde high lights and pretty nails, her outfit is super cute tonight. Wonder why she has those things and I am so full of guilt when I have them. What is going on Lord?! Even found myself looking at my pastor and his wife, they dont seem to be bothered by these things. These are all godly people. People who are dedicating their lives to live for Christ. Why can't I have a peace about this God.
To Be Continued...