Coming full circle back to the women's conference... had this thought after Friday night, "God I'm tired! Tired after this journey with my hubby's job, can't we take a quick break before you start on something else with me?" Not possible because the next day was when that sweet older woman entered my life, Sunday was when Todd Peterson's speech entered my life.
I went to bed with a heavy burden thinking what on earth are you up to Lord? A few days later I shared my heart with my hubby, everything I was thinking and feeling, good and bad thoughts, didn't care in that moment what I looked like to him. He earned a crazy amount of brownie points that day because he sat and listened just hearing my heart and offering advise and suggestions, not just fix its ideas.
God used him to speak to me, coming to the conclusion, "Don't you think you are just as bad as those who draw attention to themselves?!" I was thinking "WHAT?! Are you kidding me, I'm being humble!" He explained further by saying you are so consumed with not taking a risk for the fear of rejection or that even one person wont accept you or fear that one person will pass judgement on you. With that fear, you in turn do nothing for God, thinking you are being humble. We still have to put effort toward what God has for our lives. That takes action on my part. Actually putting myself out there for His glory, with no worry of judgement or fear of failure. He made me realize I will even let just one persons rejection control me from giving God the glory for all He has done, provided, and given to me in my life. I had become a martyr, but not in a good way. Martyr is defined as a person who voluntarily suffers death as the penalty of witnessing to and refusing to renounce a religion OR a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle. Also saw this statement when researching definition of martyr: A great show of suffering in order to arouse sympathy. Man was that what I was doing?! Thinking this would make me look like, yes I love the Lord, I sacrifice for Him, but was He even calling me to do that?
Do you see the common thread throughout the years that God is doing with me? This goes back years of Him pursuing me, seeking me to learn about Him and His ways and what He wants for this life He has given me. This was something I was allowing to control me and allowing me to slow down His purpose for me. There are so many more examples that I see God trying time and time again to show me so that I'll wake up and see the bondage around me. I realized I was in bondage and didn't even know it. I was living in fear and didn't even realize it. I was telling God, "Whatever you want me to do I'll do it for you," but the fear of rejection was holding me back, and I had no clue.
Satan was feeding me truth, things about myself that sure they are true but its not THE TRUTH. It is not what defines me. Truth that God created me to be creative and artistic but Satan spun it to me with limits. Told me people enjoy your creativeness but they don't value you really. All those lies over flowed into my business as well. I would not want to deal with the rejection of a client and sell myself short, not valuing my time and what gift God has given me. After feeling this freedom, I thought about the song, In Christ Alone, specifically the verse that says
"Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ."
LOVE IT! Exactly where I stand today!
To Be Continued...